LJ: The new thing in an old way.

So, I don't know what the deal is, but I have been kind of obsessing over Monique for the past few weeks. I don't quite remember when it started, but it was definitely over one of the weekend rehearsals (most likely the weekend before tech weekend, about 10 days before [some show] opened), and I remember watching her and just being transfixed by her for a moment. All of these aspects of her that I've come to know since the first [some show] rehearsal oh so long ago, things I've seen piecemeal - they all sort of gelled into this Incredible Woman that weekend.

I realized this was different from a standard Jason crush when I went to bed one night, pulled my comforter over me and realized that I wanted nothing more at that moment than for Monique to be there with me. It wasn't really a sexual thing (although I certainly am attracted to her in that way as well), just a rather sudden (and bewildering) yearning to be able to feel my arm wrapped around her underneath the comforter. Intimate, definitely, but not necessarily sexual. That particular combination of emotions hasn't happened to me in a very long time. It never happened with Michelle, because for nearly the entirety of that (whatever it was), I was just along for the ride. I never yearned to feel her under the comforter with me. It just sort of happened one night two Septembers ago. I guess the last time it happened was with Mel, in one of those periods before things started going south and while we were apart from each other for some length of time. And pretty much every night during the summer of 1995, with Nicole. Feeling that particular blend of emotions, wanting to be that intimate with her, and realizing it with that kind of spontaneity, was really unbalancing. And that was what led me to call Michelle and tell her about it.

When I get a crush on a woman (and it happens pretty frequently these days - a few times a year), I think about them, probably lust after them, but after a few days I realize it's a very temporary thing, and that I'm not actually attracted to the person. But a number of days went by, and instead of this... spell, this whatever it is wearing off, it just got stronger, and I became more and more fascinated by her - her idiosyncrasies, her fastidiousness, her intelligence. It got to the point that on the Tuesday or Wednesday of that week, I was chatting with Michelle, and I said, "I just need to get something off my chest. How amazing is Monique?" She chose this point to remind me that if I were to pursue something, I'd be putting myself in the same position she and I were in last year (for some reason, I was gratified that she acknowledged that affair, after us having gone so many months without so much as a glimmer of recognition that the whole thing ever happened - I'm not sure what that aspect of my personality is all about, but it was sort of the same deal with Mel - I just wanted to hear confirmation of the event). I assured her that I had no intention of acting on it, that it was just an idle thought, and it would definitely remain so. But it felt better just letting someone else in on this thing that was starting to occupy more of my active brain than I was used to.

There are two things that are preventing me from saying anything to her. First, there's the whole Ian factor. Ian has a very strong aversion to people who are working for him at the same time getting involved romantically. I can definitely see his point. If things had gotten messy between Michelle and I, or if we hadn't conducted ourselves professionally through the whole ordeal, it could have led to some very awkward working conditions. It was very eye-opening to see Ian get so freaked out by the idea of two of his most trusted Inner Circle members dating. Assuredly the same thing would happen if anything were to develop between Monique and I. The second thing is that even if that professionally-inspired prohibition weren't in place, I doubt that Monique would be interested in me. I've never sensed anything more than cordiality from her. I can make her laugh on occasion, and I can hold a conversation with her, but she is wildly more intelligent than I (like, on the order of Craig intelligent), and I sometimes just get the impression that she sees me as somewhat juvenile. Admittedly, she is in a show called Dingleberries, and she is pulling prop bloody tampons out of her crotch, which isn't the most urbane activity in the world, but the perception persists nonetheless. She plays her cards close to the vest, she's not all that easy to read, and I sometimes wonder over the lack of confidence she sometimes displays, if it's similar in nature to the type that vexes Craig to some degree. But overall, I just doubt she'd go for someone like me. I can't be any more specific than that, unfortunately. It's just what my gut is telling me.

But none of this can counter the fact that every time I see her - well, I just feel better when she's around. She's, frankly, beautiful. And it doesn't negate the fact that she's been in my dreams frequently, causing me to remember my dreams more frequently, or at least remember that I'd had some the night before, and that she was in them in some fashion. And it doesn't negate the fact that despite my doubts, and all the rules in the way, I spend an awful lot of time wondering what time together with her would be like.