Coping.

You know, I was wrong about what I said about Ian yesterday. I called him after work to tell him that I finally received the first installment of his and Michelle's birthday present to me: a year's subscription to Playboy Magazine. (Honestly, the gesture was nice, but as porn goes, Playboy is really quite tame - it defines soft core. But the women are attractive otherwise, and some of the reading material really is interesting. (For instance, they interviewed Lisa Marie Presley and got her to admit that she likes her sex rough, "kinda porn style." Nice.) Anyway, Ian said to me, "I don't want this to be taken the wrong way, but I need to let you in on something that's far from a certainty, but I need to let you know I'm thinking about it." Basically, Cherry Red (along with all of the other small companies) is not doing well at all, and - depending on how the Kenneth? review from the Post turns out (due any day now), may be moving to New York City in the very near future. (It could be that Wormgirl, the next show, and first of Cherry Red's 9th season is the last in Washington, though Ian did mention the possibility of him producing Anger Box down here from NYC.)
In talking to Ian, and hearing him go through all of the reasons that Cherry Red can't really survive in DC anymore (between the shit economy and the Post having trouble dealing with the existence of smaller theater companies, to Peter Marks' quite unnatural love affair with Shakespeare (NY is a sub-standard theater town because there is no dedicated Shakespeare company, for instance)), it sort of cemented this process of me sort of letting go of things, which in turn led me to realize that my DC days are numbered.

I don't know how or when it's going to happen, but it's become clear to me in a way that even I can no longer ignore that I've done everything I can in DC. I've reached the pinnacle in a hip-and-under-appreciated theater company, and am considered amongst the most inner of the inner circle for perhaps the most talented person I've ever met (Ian told me that the only people who know about the nearly-definite move to NY sooner rather than later are me, Monique, Michelle, Anton, Chris Griffin and Emily Rems). I'm in the midst of spinning my wheels at a production company who - I feel at least - no longer finds me of much use beyond what I already do for them. And as such, I'm feeling with no small amount of certainty that my time in Washington is coming to a close.

This won't happen immediately, or overnight, but I have little doubt that by the time I'm writing my review of 2003, I will no longer be in the DC Metro area. There's basically two ways I see the next 12-18 months of my life going: 1) after my Cherry Red commitments are completed (no later than Anger Box), I leave for a job and new home somewhere in the Philly area. Hopefully the job is something akin to what I'm doing now, can pay the rent, and can afford me some level of comfort beyond that, then within 6-12 months of that happening, I find some job and some residence in or in near proximity to NYC (Bronx? Brooklyn? I don't know the first thing, really, with regards to living in New York) and join up with the powerhouse that Cherry Red has no doubt become in my year-long hiatus from the group; or 2) I move from VA after my Cherry Red obligations are done, and by such time, I'll already have a position and place lined up in NY, and I don't miss a beat with Cherry Red. Option 2 is by far the most palatable.

I acknowledged something to Ian that's been weighing on my mind for some time now, that being the fact that I don't really have a friend system down here anymore. Once Chris and Trish moved away, I had no one around here I simply hung out with. Everyone I "socialize" with these days I'm actually working with. That's mostly Cherry Red people - actually, it's entirely Cherry Red people. But I don't see Cherry Red people unless there's some kind of Cherry Red event tied to it (with the exception of last night, when Ian, Monique and I went to eat, then got the very first edition of the Post hot off the press looking for the Kenneth review). I don't doubt that I probably would hang out with Cherry Red people without a Cherry Red situation, but we all work so goddamned hard that by the time we have a free moment to hang out, usually folks want to visit other parts of their lives. For me, that's sitting at home reading and watching TV. I think that I am becoming friends with Ian, something that as I say it astounds me. I have the most profound respect for Ian's talents and sensibilities, and even his outlook on life. To actually consider him a friend causes a deep sense of gratitude for the strange turns of life that brought me into his acquaintance. To have him consider me a friend causes that sense to strengthen by an order of magnitude. Ian derives his entire friendship structure these days through Cherry Red people. That would make sense, in a way. His entire life right now is Cherry Red. And I think I've become valuable enough to Cherry Red, and thus to Ian, that if I were in a location (ie, not 27 miles from DC as the crow flies) to regularly see the Cherry Red family, I would. I would definitely hang out with Lucas and Jenn and Ian if the opportunity presented itself.

I've sort of become all spun around writing this, as I have, through the course of the day. The important facts and impressions are here, but there's not in the correct order so it makes any kind of sense. The basic gist of all of this is this: Sunday was the breaking point, and as I was trying to deal with the loss of my journals, it started to dawn on me that this situation that was so good to me two and a half years ago, is no longer what it once was. Then, when Ian made his news known to me, it cemented the deal. When I saw even the potential reality of Cherry Red leaving Washington, I realized that what was left was not something I was interested in being a part of.

I'll sort out all of this in the weeks and months to come. So far, the only people who have an inkling of where my thinking is are Ian, Justin (who is probably the closest thing to a friend that I have down here these days, next to Ian, I suppose), and Craig. Chris, Trish and Ingrid all know that Cherry Red might move in the next few years, and that I would probably follow along. But the timetables have changed, and they're not aware of the certainty (not complete - probably 75% right now - better than even at any rate) with which they have changed.