Non-actor's actor's notebook, Part II

Since last I was here writing as a performer, I was feeling rather unsettled by the entire process and prspect of appearing onstage again. That all started to change last Monday night (3.nov), when we got to be in the space for the first time. Something about being in the space, under the lights, being able to see where people were going to be... I mean, I don't know if that really had anything with the new comfort level I experienced that night, but I find it hard to believe it didn't. Monday night was the first time Michelle was enthusiastic about my performance. It was the first time I felt like I understood what she was trying to get out of me and actually achieved it to some degree.

Then came the rest of the week, Tuesday through Thursday (the latest of those nights was when we had our first paying audience - even if some of them only paid 25¢), and with it a continuing of this sense of comfort. By the time we got to Thursday night, I was severely nervous beforehand, and even when I was in the monologue... about halfway through it, my mouth went bone dry, so I had this bloated pasty thing flopping around in my mouth pretending to be my tongue, and I had to wrestle with it the rest of the way through the monologue. But I got through it with a minimum of fuss that was outwardly apparent, and Michelle seemed to think that I was finally in a good place.

Then came Friday. I don't really think I ever expected it to go quite so well as it did. I don't think I ever expected to reach the comfort level with this monologue, or the fact that I was onstage for that matter. But I was, and I did. I wasn't terribly nervous Friday night (much unlike Thursday, when after I got offstage I thought my legs were going to give out from under me, and all I wanted was a hug from Jenn), and I was never intimidated by the fact that all these people were just staring at me waiting for me to do something ridiculous. The thought that helped that particular phobia along, actually, was my realizing that they were there to be entertained in some fashion, and I was the one to do that. It became a task, something to accomplish. That helped, and helped again Saturday night (when I was a bit more nervous when I realized there were critics in the audience).

So now I'm at the point where I'm comfortable with the monologue, pleased that the cast seems to think it's good, and extremely pleased that I seem to be meeting with approval from Michelle. (Opening night she said to me, "You've done good, Jason, and you totally deserve to be here." That helped a lot.) And I keep trying to tell myself that I'm not interested in what the critics might say about me, but I'm desperately curious.