LJ: Patsy Cline said it best

I swear to God this planet's going crazy. Or maybe it's just me.

I've been musing for the past couple of days, and especially since yesterday, when it became abundantly clear that war is a certainty, how just a few short years ago, it seemed like we really were at the end of the Big Events. It didn't seem like there was anything left to happen to us. But the past few years have completely blown that idea out of the water - like 9/11 stirred up that extra special sort of crazy in just about everyone. It's really kind of intense just existing right now. Here's some keywords from the past month of my life or things that have been contributing to this ever-growing sense that things are beginning to get out of control: Creamsicle alert, Anger Box, Best Man, WARWARWARWARWAR!!!, Crazy Guy on Tractor.

The war that will be happening in about 24 hours is foremost on my mind right now, so I guess I'll tackle that first.

Ever since last fall, when the UN passed 1441, the resolution that the President is using as international justification, I've been sort of dispassionate about the idea of going back to Iraq on a war footing. It was something that was a curiosity to me, considering the very strong, visceral reaction I had to the first war (8.August.1990, 9.January.1991, 16.January.1991, 20.January.1991, for some background). I chalked it up to some facet of the aging process - something about being 12 years older makes me fear war less, maybe see some shred of wisdom (though I could not name it) in going to war. A few weeks ago, as I was watching some of the recording I made during and after 9/11, I nearly convinced myself that because that day was so horrible, filled with so much pain it still resounds clearly into the present, and that there were even possible connections between Iraq and Al Qaeda, that war would be justified in this instance. I also noted that I had nearly no trepidation or reservations about going to war against Afghanistan in October 2001. So, while I couldn't pin a single thing about my lack of passion, I just accepted that it was a fact of my existence, the method through which I was now viewing the world.

Quite by surprise, I discovered that assessment to be completely inaccurate.

I was driving up to Takoma Park and Severn to return some equipment we used over the weekend for some shows when I heard that the White House had called off all diplomatic efforts (after these weeks of wrangling with France over a second resolution authorizing the use of force, and whether or not the lack of evidence of any sort from Iraq constituted a breach, blah blah blah), recalling humanitarian workers and all the other things governments do to warn folks that war is very likely. I had an immediate, intense sinking feeling in my gut. This was real. It hit me just how serious, at that moment, this thing was, and all of the arguments I'd sort of intellectually constructed against the war really sunk in. My biggest problem with this war is that there is no sort of exit strategy (strategery). We're going to beat the living hell out of the Iraqi army, just like we did twelve years ago (I keep wanting to type "ten years ago"... I don't know why), then, some way or another, we'll probably kill Hussein. But then no one's really clear on what happens. The administration even admits this. Sure, "nation-building", but what the fuck does that mean? Who will run the country? Who will run the oil fields? What's to prevent the super-militant Islamic factions in the country from coming to power and forming a state even more hostile to the US than Iraq is. Afghanistan was hostile but poor. Iraq is really wealthy. Imagine a bin Laden with millions of gallons of oil to hold hostage. I mean, as crazy as Saddam is, he's not really a radical extremist. His government, while brutal and horrible and all that, still isn't terribly militantly Islamic. He's sort of a moderate (something that, by the way, has gained him no love amongst the Taliban-esque personalities over there). It's just sort of disturbing when Charlie Rose and other pundits ask a question like, Isn't this similar to what happened in Iraq in 1991, and it gave birth to the hatred of Osama bin Laden, and isn't it possible that ten years from now, we'll be dealing with another September 11?, and there's no clear response to it. I just get the feeling that this administration is being astonishingly shallow in its policy: Fuck the future, we gotta save them oil fields! That sort of thing. It's really become frightening as I've seriously contemplated the complete lack of judgement Bush appears to have.

I understand, very well actually, all of the arguments for the war. What if there are connections between Hussein and Al Qaeda? What if the reports that came out last night are true, and the forward-most Iraqi deployments received chemical weapons to use against us in the event of an evasion? What if some terrorist network or other really is going to activate a band of suicide bombers to attack US cities? But this sensation I had when I heard the news that they officially gave up on diplomatic routes to peace - even though it wasn't a shocking piece of news since they'd been in a diplomatic standoff for weeks anyway - it was just really eye-opening, to have the reality of it and feel like it was wrong in every fibre of my being, like trying to make a bunch of magnetic filings point some other way than the magnet is forcing them to. And I can't say that I hope the Bush administration turns out to be right about Iraq, because that means our troops will get hit with some kind of bio or chemical weapon, but that seems like the only way this thing he's forcing down the world's throat becomes justified.

So now for the past day and a half, I've had that feeling of dread mixed with a certain "Has the entire world gone fucking nuts?" Not helping matters is the fact that there's currently some lunatic who's dunked his tractor into a pond on the National Mall and is just kind of hanging around waving upside-down flags and wearing an army medic helmet who may or may not be claiming he's got explosives. Just a little something extra to confirm the fact that reality is unraveling.

Of course, this all started when we went under the first-in-history Creamsicle Alert. Okay, so noone else called it that, but I thought it was funny. The national terrorism alert thingy went from Yellow to Orange in the week preceding the second-largest snowstorm in the past 104 years. The weekend the storm started, the one before Presidents' Day, was supposed to be the weekend of another 9/11-style multi-city attack, likely involving what has come to be called a "dirty bomb" - radiological debris scattered by conventional explosive. Kind of a nuclear pipe-bomb. We'd had plenty of snow this winter, a series of three- to eight-inch storms since December that had lulled the DOTs in the area into a false sense of security. This area still has no clue how to deal with 22" of snow. Truth be told, I really didn't know how to deal with it. That's a lot of fucking snow. And, surprise of all surprises, it was called the Storm of the Century. So, if you're counting, that's now my fourth Storm of the Century in the past ten years (March 1993, January 1996, January 1999, February 2003). It was just frustrating having to try to get around in the week that followed the storm. I have an all-wheel drive car, but it was still a rough go for a day or two. Then, when I had to go into DC for Coyote Woman that Thursday, it was a 3 hour-20 minute commute because the way DC decided it would handle snow was to plow it all into one of the lanes on a street. So four-lane streets like 18th became 3 or 2 lane streets (sometimes there were disabled cars that hadn't been towed on the edge of the street that had been plowed. It was frustrating. And that's my bitch about that.

There have been a number of good things to come out of the past month. Chief among them is the fact that I got to see Chris and Trish again - they came down to visit folks and see the show (and me). After the show, Chris asked me (quite unexpectedly) to be his Best Man. I sort of had a notion that he'd probably ask me to be in the wedding, especially if they had a large party, but I never expected the #1 slot. He has so many friends, more important friends, more influential friends (folks like AJ and Travis and the ilk) who have known him far longer than I have, and I was certain one of them would have received the nod. So I was shocked and so damn happy that he asked me. It's going to be amazing to be there for them like that. (And, because I am me, in that Strong Sad part of my brain, I did reflect that this was the fourth wedding I will be in without having one of my own.)

Lastly there's Anger Box. I gave in to the sentiment I expressed about that show on 24.January. I really like that monologue, and at the risk of sounding conceited, I think Ian made a good move in asking me to do it. Two weekends ago I found out that Anger Box was on the season schedule for next year in the fall slot, along with the list of other shows, and I told Ian which ones I would be stage managing for. Then I got to thinking about it on Sunday (9), and the more I thought about having to suffer watching some other actor do the piece I'd really developed an attachment for, the more I didn't want to endure that. So I called Ian the next day, that Monday, and told him I'm interested in auditioning, if that's what it takes, for the Anger Box monologue. He was pleased, and said that he was going to talk to me about it if I hadn't brought it up. I don't have to go through the hassle of getting headshots, since I absolutely don't intend on making it a practice of acting, and depending on who the director is, I may not even have to audition. So, I've set myself up, potentially, for that unique rejection an actor feels (there's that R word again), but I've also set myself up for, possibly, one of the better experiences of my life. I love making people laugh, and I was surprised how much the joy I felt on hearing 120 people laugh during my performance overshadowed the petrifying fear I was sure would cause me to freeze up. More on that as time draws near.