Civics Lesson

(From the "Seems-Simple-Enough- But-Gets-Awfully-Smelly- If-You-Think-About-It" Department)

Scene 1: The Encounter. May 10. Department of Justice (DoJ) knocks on the door of the office of National Security Agency (NSA)

NSA: [from behind door] Yes?

DoJ: It's Justice.

NSA: Come in. [DoJ opens door.] Have a seat. [DoJ steps in hesitantly, then steps forward, stumbling over a table near the door. More bumbling, stumbling.] Oh, right. I forgot. You're blind. [Remains seated.]

DoJ: I'll just stand.

NSA: Suit yourself.

DoJ: Hi. I'm here to investigate the warrantless wiretap program to see if it was conducted legally and within the limits imposed by the Fourth Amendment of our Constitution.

NSA: No.

DoJ: No? But I'm Justice!

NSA: Do you know the ultra-double-super-dooper secret code word?

DoJ: No.

NSA: Do you know any code words?

DoJ: No.

NSA: Ah. Then I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of this office, myself, or this conversation.

DoJ: Huh. [Beat.] Okay. [Beat. Looks expectantly to NSA to continue the thought or something.] Right. Well, I want to ask you about the program —

NSA: Good day.

DoJ: I'm sorry.

NSA: I said, "Good day."

DoJ: So, that's it? You're not going to let me ask you any questions about —

NSA: Good day.

DoJ: Ok, wait. You said something about a code word, right?

NSA: I can't confirm or deny I said any such thing.

DoJ: I know you did! It just happened! [NSA stares.] If I got one of these code word thingies, would you be able to talk to me then?

NSA: [A beat. Then...] Perhaps.

DoJ: Hot dog! Now we're getting somewhere. Now, where might I be able to get one of those code words?

NSA: I might have some here in my desk. Or I might not. I'm not confirming or denying the existence of this desk, by the way.

DoJ: I know.

NSA: Just so we're clear.

DoJ: So, how can I get a code word?

NSA: Have you tried asking?

DoJ: [Jackpot. Broad smile.] Hi. I would like to request a code word.

NSA: [Considers briefly.] No.

DoJ: What?!? Why not?

NSA: Good day.

DoJ: Wait! Why can't I have a code word?

NSA: I'm sorry. That's classified.

DoJ: Pretty please?

NSA: Good day.

DoJ: Er... okay. Good day.

NSA: Good day.

DoJ: [swivelling head about] Do you think you could tell me where the door is? I got a bit turned around when I came in here.

NSA: I'm sorry. That's classified.

[DoJ turns to leave, stumbles on approximately the same route in reverse to exit. Lights fade on the shin-busting hilarity. ]

Scene 2: The Press Conference. May 11. DoJ and Mainstream Media (MSM) are sitting at a table at an outdoor cafe. DoJ is lovingly feeding bits of cake to MSM, which MSM eats seductively. They coo.

DoJ: ...and then the jerk wouldn't even help me to the door! The nerve!

MSM: I'm sorry, baby. And he wouldn't tell you why you were being denied?

DoJ: As I stated, he wouldn't even tell me where the door was!

MSM: Huh. I feel like I should be asking more questions, but I'm just held in awe of your courage in this plight.

DoJ: Yeah. It's hard work.

MSM:
Want a couple of softballs today?

DoJ: Mmmm, that sounds lovely.

Scene 3: The Argument. May 16. Split stage. Pentagon (DoD) and Office of Personnel Managment (OPM) sit opposite each other at their respective desks, on their respective phones. A gulf of darkness separates them.

OPM: Dammit! You said yourself that you'd throw some extra my way if I took care of your clearance problems.

DoD: And?

OPM: And!? You signed a contract, for the love of George! You owe me!

DoD: You ungrateful whelp! I oughta come over there and box your ears.

OPM: Look, it's very simple. You need to get these new employees their clearances. You asked me to handle the checks for them. You agreed, in return, to pay a fee for this service. It's pay-to-play around here, buster. You don't pony up, I'll just come over there and take the money myself.

DoD: You and what army? [Finds himself funny.]

OPM: Fine. That's the way you want it? I'm cutting you off. No more clearances.

DoD: [Scoffs.] You can't do that. You'd be helping the terrorists. The folks we've hired for these positions need the clearances to see the untranslated documents and whatnot.

OPM: Seems to me we're at an impasse.

DoD: Why do you hate America?

OPM: Uh-uh. That ain't working on me, buster. 'O, but why would you want to defraud your own government?'

DoD: You pansy-ass punk!

[Great crash of thunder. OPM and DoD look skyward to see The Government Accountability Office (Ineptus Ex Machina, IEM) descending upon a chariot from Heaven. Much hubbub until Ineptus Ex Machina alights from the cart to the stage.]

IEM: [Grandly.] I have seen your squabble. I have come for judgement. I shall arbitrate. [Regards both parties.] I will now hear the grievances. You first.

OPM: This jackass won't pay—

IEM: ENOUGH! And you?

DoD: We need the clearances—

IEM: IT IS FINISHED! [Thundercrash.] I shall deliver judgement. [Blackout.]

Scene 4: The Runkus. April 9. The Nefarioso and The Decider are on comfy chairs The Decider is looking around. The Nefarioso stares straight ahead. Neither is well-lit. A Random Person brings in two mugs and a pitcher and sets them on a table next to the Nefarioso, then leaves.

DECIDER: Slooben booble runkus ipar frandle doodle. [Points at the sky.] Grell?

NEFARIOSO: Yes. [Pours pitch black, bubbling liquid into mugs, hands one to The Decider.] Drink up.

DECIDER: Lopo ignit frenk rimpant dee frontus evil-doers! Chump chump chump dronk reeble. [Drinks.] Are you sure this is good for me?

NEFARIOSO: Yes.

DECIDER: Poot rentle jiggle ret, wert er glup nuke evil-doers!

NEFARIOSO: Yes. And when she asks about investigating the spying,... you're going to say...

DECIDER: [blinks] Nuke!

NEFARIOSO: [Smacks The Decider in the face.] Dammit! Repeat after me...

Scene 5: The Decision. June 31. IEM, OPM and DoD exactly as before.

[Time passes while IEM looks at DoD, then at OPM, then stares off into space. Rinse and repeat. Finally...]

DoD: Ahem.

IEM: What?

DoD: Well? What's the decision?

IEM: I'm writing the report.

Scene 6: The Lesson. May 18. The Decider in the comfy chair. MSM at his feet, head resting on his knee. The Nefarioso is around somewhere, in the dark.

DECIDER: You suck.

MSM: You suck. [Beat.] Will you please answer me? I think I deserve to know.

DECIDER: Umtum opal krizzle tug jooboo lomp tromp. Tromp!

MSM: You've ceased making sense to me. What about the way NSA treated DoJ? Are you just going to let him get away with that?

[Somewhere, The Nefarioso clears his throat. MSM ignores it.]

DECIDER: [well-rehearsed] It's a turf battle, plain and simple. These are two grown men with a difference of opinion, and here in the Republican Party, we tolerate all the opinions we can find. We've got a tent here as big as the sky in Texas. I'm not going to swoop down from on high and command these fellas to reach a decision one way or the other. The GAO's working on the answer, and whatever they decide, we'll implement.

MSM: [sheepish] But... I thought you were the decider.

[Somewhere, The Nefarioso growls. MSM ignores it.]

DECIDER: [smirk] I am. But I'm not a tyrant. You got to have respootle froprootle.

MSM: What?

DECIDER: You've got to have respect for the process.

MSM: But what about OPM's contention that DoD's hissy fit is holding up the clearances, thus endangering national security and allowing actual terrorists to go free?

DECIDER: Um.

MSM: [scales dropping from eyes] If you, beloved Decider, continue to allow this to go on, thus preventing people from getting clearances, people like DoJ, who need those clearances to conduct investigations—

DECIDER: Now, let me stop you right there. There are no investigations. DoJ gave up trying to find illegality because there wasn't any to begin with. It was just another effort - which you're aiding and abetting, by the way - to derail the effort to smoke America's enemies out of their holes. And I intend to smoke 'em out. I hate America's enemies. I love America, and anyone who tries to derail the de-holing efforts doesn't. I won't let the de-holing be derailed. I intend to keep the effort on the rails. Because I'm The Conductor. Next question?

MSM: Can I ask a follow up?

NEFARIOSO: Go fuck yourself!

MSM: [scribbling furiously on note pad] Thank you, sir. [MSM rushes offstage.]

DECIDER: Don't mention it. [To audience.] I hope you've learned your lesson.

A conversation, from somewhere

Scene: Somewhere in our reality.
Time: March 5, 2006.

JACK BUCK: [to KIRBY PUCKETT] I'll see you tomorrow night.

Note to the Democratic blogosphere

Enough with the Cheney gunshot story already. We get it. He was out hunting. He accidentally shot someone. It was a horrible accident, and I'm sure Cheney feels worse about shooting a friend or colleague than you could ever make him feel in a thousand acerbic posts. This is not really a big story, and is in fact deflecting attention away (yet again - how easily you get distracted) from the things you really need to be talking about in a rational way. Please get back to work.

Cheers: MyDD and Think Progress who, as of 9:30 this morning, had let the story scroll off of their home pages (if indeed it ever made it in the first place). Update (11:41 am): Mega-uber cheers to Benquirer for this note, which sums it up better than I ever could.

Jeers: Huffington Post, Daily Kos, Talking Points Memo, AMERICAblog, Eschaton. Please, for the love of Pete, let it go already. Do you really think that there's something nefarious going on here? You do realize that hunting accidents happen all the time, as do accidents of all varieties, right? And you do realize that glomming on to this story as if there were something significant here makes you look foolish, right? Knock it off. [Raw Story would have been included here, because they are also quite hysterical about this story, but they did dig up this photo, which is funny and priceless.]

A new thing to read

Jenn and I have started a new blog, called West Capitol & J Street, NW. It's two residents' ideas on how to improve the city we inhabit. We're just getting started, but it already promises to be equal parts mundane and exciting, just like city life itself. If you find it a worthy exercise, share it with your DC friends. Share it with your other-city-living friends. We'd love to get a dialog started about the things that are right and wrong with DC, and how to either keep them going or make them better.

Tonight's SOTU: Liveblogging!

Here's a handy-dandy checklist of things that the President will surely touch on in the address to Congress tonight. It's distilled and adapted from Arianna Huffington's post here. I'll come back afterwards armed with quotes where this actually happened.

1. Iraqi elections are bringing peace to the Middle East (or its corrolary, Democracy is making the world safer); Check. 9:17 PM. Still going on this point at 9:29.
2. The Patriot Act needs to be approved into perpetuity; Check. 9:34 PM. Just didn't say "in perpetuity". But you know he was thinking it.
3. There's nothing about the economy that's going wrong, and; Check. 9:38 PM. Trotting out the numbers for his smoky reflections of dogs and ponies.
4. The tax cuts from 2001 need to be made permanent; Check. 9:41 PM. Nailed this one exactly.
5. Alito is a good choice for the Supreme Court; Check. 9:56 PM.
6. The unwarranted NSA wiretaps were "necessary" and "legal"; Check. 9:35 PM. Falsehoods abound. I'm gonna have to look at the transcript to pull all the individual strands of bullshit apart.
7. Alternative fuels are still a priority in the energy policy. Check. 9:49 PM. Advanced Energy Initiative.

I can safely guess that he probably won't talk about upholding the Fourth Amendment, the First Amendment, the Fourteenth Amendment, or Article II. Just a hunch.

9:00 PM: Might liveblog this a bit. This is a pic I just took (yes, I know my camera sucks) right outside my house. The lit up Capitol is there in the background. No, really. I can see that shit from my house.

9:01 PM: Christ. A huge cheer just went up when they introduced the justices of the SC.

9:12 PM: Where's Tom Delay? Odd that he wasn't seen leading the Prez in on his triumphal entry.

9:14 PM: He dared bring up civility?!? What umnitigated gall.

9:15 PM: This isolationist bit seems to point toward intervention in Iran. Oh boy.

9:16 PM: Only took 4 minutes to bring up 9/11.

9:18 PM: Seems like what he just said about radical, fundamentalist Islam could also be said of their similar ilk in the Christian faith.

9:19 PM: Only the terrorists have adopted the weapon of fear? Me thinks not.

9:26 PM: Missed the past seven minutes, but he's still talking about the military. By the by, there are plenty of examples of veterans of the current Iraqi conflict who disagree. Their service is equally as heroic, but I don't see them in the chamber.

9:31 PM: On Iran now. Sounds like he's dropping the gauntlet. Translation: "We'll be at war in six months."

9:37 PM: Really pounding away on the anti-isolation thing. Is this really what the debate has been about? Isolationism?

9:39 PM: Here comes the economic policy stuff. It's titled, "How I Will Outspend All Liberals From the Past 40 Years."

9:41 PM: I wonder what he considers "nonessential priorities" as he's talking about programs he's going to cut.

9:43 PM: What?!? Didn't the Supreme Court rule the Line-Item Veto an unconstitutional breach of the separation of powers? Is this a thinly-veiled play to put even more power in the hands of his own Imperial Presidency.

9:44 PM: Ah, yes... he pulled out the "put aside partisan politics" canard. I'd almost forgotten to expect that one.

9:49 PM: Just went 6 for 7 in my checklist. Hot damn. [PS: My attention is starting to fade.]

9:53 PM: This is my own little pet issue, but why is there only such a damned focus on math and science in education. These are not the only things to life.

9:54 PM: Did he just try to take credit for the welfare reduction? And I need to pull out that graph from Atlantic about abortion and teen pregnancy rates... I think they've actually gone up during his administration.

9:55 PM: Ooohhh, goody. He's talking about the Culture War! This is going to be AWESOME.

9:56 PM: Seven for seven, bitches! I'm going to apply for positions over at Roll Call tomorrow.

9:58 PM: Creating human-animal hybrids? Is this really happening? Because I wanna see that freakshow!

9:58 PM: Oh, be still my heart. Trust in public officials. Hey King George XLIII, how 'bout letting folks see those pics of you and Jack? Or letting photogs you're not personally paying into White House events. What have you got to hide? Hmm? HMMM???

10:00 PM: Can't say the dude doesn't have balls. He actually brought up New Orleans. Can't say that many people associate him and that city in a positive way.

10:02 PM: There's that weird phrase again, a "Period of Consequence." I don't know why, but it makes me nervous. In sort of a DoubleSpeak kind of way.

10:03 PM: Mercifully short. But yes, God (or whomever) Bless America.

10:07 PM: Dammit! I went 7 for 7 on my checklist and liveblogged the whole damn speech, and not a one of you saw it.

Huh II

Huh.

This actually goes some way in explaining why it is that even though I'm not writing about politics, I'm still observing them with a passion. It does feel vaguely like an addiction.

I've long held, however, that there's some other cause for the nature of the red/blue divide. Folks on either side of that slash see the world very differently. From my perspective, they view torture as okay under certain circumstances. I view the NSA's wiretap program as an unabashed violation of the Fourth Amendment; they don't. I've long held, and continue to hold, that what I've called here (in one of my more intemperate moments) "a steadfast refusal to acknowledge reality" (or something like that - too lazy to actually look up the quote) is actually some deeply-rooted, hard-wired difference in how Red versus Blue see the world. There are variations, shades of colors if you will (which explains things like fundamentalists, anarchists and Methodists), but most folks fall into one of the two camps. It does strike me that there should be a reason why. So, let's hear it, all you cognitive specialists out there... whazzup widdat? Bizotch.

I'm a bigger geek than you. Well, not you Lincoln.

I'm such an enormous geek, in fact, that this blog can no longer contain it. Behold: Checkypantz.

This new blog is the exclusive home of my travails in learning ColdFusion. Not the scientific process, but the software. I set it up to prevent the great majority of you from getting bored to tears by my upcoming discussions of parameters, behaviors, problems with the Verity engine or whatever else I happen to be struggling with that day. You can thank me later.

Anyway, if you're a glutton for punishment, it's located over here.

IM Archive: 17.June.2002

Occasionally I'll save good bits of IM conversations and revisit them when I'm feeling particularly vapid. Tonight I came across this gem, a conversation clearly growing out of the overwhelming boredom with my job that I was experiencing. Bourgeois Deviant is the other party here.

Checkypantz (1:31:48 PM): bongiorno!
BourgeoisD (1:32:42 PM): Are you Romanian?
Checkypantz (1:32:57 PM): i am a russian woman
BourgeoisD (1:33:12 PM): Or are you Bulgarian?
Checkypantz (1:33:27 PM): we cannot call them bulgarians
BourgeoisD (1:33:42 PM): Why?
Checkypantz (1:34:23 PM): because that would make the Master of Kittens angry
BourgeoisD (1:36:56 PM): You would be the master of Kittens?
Checkypantz (1:37:08 PM): HEATHEN!
Checkypantz (1:37:21 PM): you cannot see the Master of Kittens.
BourgeoisD (1:37:52 PM): *sees Master of Kittens and giggles*
BourgeoisD (1:40:30 PM): Would the real Master of Kittens please stand up?
Checkypantz (1:41:03 PM): the Master of Kittens casts no shadow in direct sunlight.
BourgeoisD (1:42:12 PM): *Just wants the real Master of Kittens to please stand up*
Checkypantz (1:42:35 PM): the Master of Kittens dances beside itself on the head of a pin.
BourgeoisD (1:43:03 PM): (what the hell IS the Master of kittens?)
Checkypantz (1:45:33 PM): the Master of Kittens has three faces. The first, completely unobscured, represents Reality. The second, partially obscured, represents Justice. The third, completely obscured, represents Equality. Then there is the fourth face, which is not really anything, and represents that which we cannot understand, and cannot be touched by mortals.
BourgeoisD (1:50:34 PM): are you making this shit up?
Checkypantz (1:50:41 PM): yes

Extra Credit: What fictional character am I referencing?

LJ: A short play, by me.

SAM: Hey wait... I'm gonna get that penny lying on the ground over there.
VLADIMIR: That's not a penny. That's cancer.
SAM: What? No it's not. It's a penny.
VLADIMIR: I'm telling you it's cancer.
SAM: How do you know? (DOG farts.)
VLADIMIR: You can tell by the moustache on Lincoln.
SAM: Oh.

*FIN*